My Translucent Mind: 2014

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Forever and Always : December 13, 2014

She’s like an electric jult surging through my soul.

The way pictures of her flood my mind and a love for her floods my heart.

Although I can’t quite explain this feeling,

I tremble in thoughts of trying,

because I know that no matter what it is I say it will never compare to the things she does to me

The way she makes me feel.

The way she makes me smile.

She is beyond words.

I only wish I can spend every moment trying to make sense of it all

just knowing that one day she will be the one I wake up to and the one I fall asleep next to.

The one I get to hold in my arms and kiss in the storm

The one I get start a real future with,

knowing that when the world has decayed and finally withered away, she will still be the one that holds my heart.

She’s my forever and always Honestly, what more can I say.

Copyright © 2014 Ashlie Pfeifer

Friday, December 12, 2014

My Girl : December 12, 2014

She asked me to be her forever, I asked her to be my eternity.

Together we desired a future, a promise, a unity.

It was only a matter of time for the days when our eyes would meet.

When I could kiss her lips, to taste a love so sweet.

When I would hear her voice, playing music to my ears.

When I could hold her tight and protect her from her fears.

When I could take her hand and place it softly with in mine.

When I could finally tell her Missy I’ve wanted you all my life.

So here I am now, as I shout it from the roof tops of the world.

To let them all know, that you’re the one, the only one, that could ever be my girl.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

She Is My Storm : December 11 2014

She is my storm.
Her smile surges through me like lightening through my veins.
Her words rip apart insecurities and flood my heart with desires of her love.
And her laughter dances in my mind like raindrops kissing my skin.
She is beautiful, she is forever, and she is mine.

Copyright © 2014 Ashlie Pfeifer

Friday, October 10, 2014

Escape ( October 10, 2014)

Slowly I remove the masked carcass that envelopes my soul.

Only to let loose the pieces of my shattered remains.

Here they lie now,

spread out on the floor, bloody and battered.

My breath beginning to seize,

and my heart beginning to fail.

At least it is a fate made of my own design.

One in which self destruction courses through my veins,

and a flood of misery drowns all of that around me.

Perhaps I am cursed.

Doomed to walk the earth as a fragmented part of what I once was.

The vitality no longer remaining,

and the creatures that once derived from the darkest corners of the world,

now dwelling within my mind and feasting on my humanity.

Though,

Let it be known.

I do not wish to rid them.

They are nightmares, but they are mine.

The pain in which they supply is simply a figuration of my own terror that already lies within my subconscious.

Like a parasite the burrow their way into my head.

Rapidly multiplying,

and depleting any vitality left in my damaged being.

But "oh" how they are beautiful :

Whispering tantalizing lies in my sleep,

and caressing my soul with talons of deception.

I know now what it means to be petrified.

To be truly in a state of utter agony,

and aware that everything I am is everything I now fear.

For there lies the irony in life :

As we coward from evil that lurks within places unknown,

yet not realizing, there is no actual escape from ourselves.

Copyright © 2014 Ashlie Pfeifer

Saturday, September 6, 2014

A Light To Prosper ( Sept. 6, 2014 )

Misery Plagues me like an insidious disease.
Slowly eradicating any pre-notion of the sanity that may follow.
It grants me hopelessness in in the maze of despair and loneliness due to the corruption that my soul obtains.
Perhaps I am cursed.
Damned for all eternity to walk the broken road of these withering remains :
Those desolate dreams that were once thriving and full of vitality.
Yet now, are to only sustain a shattered darkness that resembles a nightmare in design.
Oh What a life I live,
To but ironically travel in the shadows of death.
Feeling the aged touch of the reapers grasp as it tries to tempt me into an oblivion of possibilities.
Then again, perhaps I am gifted.
To have now understood the sirens call towards a beautiful demise,
yet have also seen the reason behind trying to prosper through her deceit.
To live on, so that I may continue to wander the oceans of sentience
And to cultivate my soul, so that I too may be immersed in nature's thriving astonishment's.
For this is my purpose, a simple one I'm sure, but mine none the less.
To find happiness in any moment, and to find love in every breath.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Him Part: 3 ( August 31, 2014 )

The jagged blade that was once used to savagely rip open my heart has now rusted.

The tip broken and gouged into my flesh.

Endlessly hidden by healing lacerations and fabricated smiles.

The edge of this, once beautiful destruction, has now left nothing but a damaged organ.

And the memories that were, stay forever engraved into this gash of anguish.

Oh how my heart aches for the ones who once held the spine of that weapon.

Such damaged creations, yet only mine to endure.

Perhaps I should exorcise this demon that’s planted its grip within my soul.

Yet tell me, how do I kill what I am… without dying myself?

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

One Moment ( June 17, 2014 )

What I wouldn’t give to feel that blade rush against my skin again.

To see the blood creep out of my flesh.

I remember the beauty of the pain.

To feel in control.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever give in.

Maybe just once more.

Another hit for the junkie.

Another moment spent numb.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Random Quotes ( 2014 )

Such a damaged existence we live in, when happiness is found, yet only to be told that it too shall perish with in our desires for more.

Me : Oh my dear, if you only knew the depths of hell I have suffered to find you.

My love : Pathetic woman, I am not in here without reason.

We all expose ourselves in different ways. Some show their bodies, hearts, minds, and some show their souls. It's all a matter of existence.

Pictures can deceive, words can falter, and actions can lack. Thus why the only means of trust lies with in our aspiration to believe.

I’m not scared of dying, im scared of not living

Copyright © 2014 Ashlie Pfeifer

Discover reason in the rain

Copyright © 2014 Ashlie Pfeifer

I'm an open book. Mark the pages, highlight the passages, and read. But whatever you do, never stop part way. My story has only begun, and I'm sure it gets better

Copyright © 2014 Ashlie Pfeifer

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Everything I Was ( May 11, 2014 )

Everything I was.

Everything I am.

It knows no end.

Slowly this disease begins to devour.

I am left alone.

I am left dying.

It knows no pain.

Gently the blade pierces my flesh.

Sweet release.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Him Part : 2 ( May 8, 2014)

Like a recently serrated blade, he pierces through the corpse of my heart vigorously

Leaving behind a beautiful new scar for me to indulge in, and a gorgeous new fear to feed on.

He has now entered a dwelling of everything raw and exposed.

The wounds that fester.

The lacerations that leak the warm moist liquid that once filled my veins.

And the darkest fantasies that cause my body to ache.

He is the creature that subsides within these shattered walls, yet happily does he endure.

Perhaps he is the reason my world has changed.

The reason I have fallen in love.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Him Part : 1 (Apr. 30, 2014)

He surpasses the ideas given to me by the broken pieces of time.

Slowly eradicating any pre-notion of what true love really is.

My heart flutters to the sound of his voice as he declares his love for me,

And my mind runs rampant over the truly raw form of emotion we hold for one another.

It seems without him my soul is incomplete.

My flames left without a substance to generate their existence.

And my intellect left without the vitality of his own to match.

It’s such a sad life to walk this world as a fragmented part of an entirety.

Yet such a beautiful one when that of the other element becomes shared.

Then a wave of passion engulfs everything that you once were,

And creates a new coercion that allows his shattered heart to mend with mine, becoming one

Giving us a love so terrifyingly beautiful that only each other can truly understand.

And so precise that only each other can truly obtain.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Oblivion : In The Ward ( April 26,2014)

I know the trance of oblivion.
How she entices you with a broken promise.
How she lures you with a mistaken beauty.
She is an unmeasurable force, begging for the lost to succumb to her desires.
Yet I , being one that seemed to crave, know only of the terror she emits.
As blood poured from my wrist and tears flooded my eyes, I saw her face.
She kissed my lips ever so gently, as if to welcome me into a world of eternity, and gazed into my soul.
For in that moment, that brief instance of time, I was in the eye of the storm.
An overwhelming calm entered my heart, and I was ready to take her hand.
Ready to extinguish all existence of the misery my life held.
Softly the clouds began to whisper my name, and like that, the darkness enthralled me.
In all honesty, I don't quite remember how I survived, but I'm thankful I did.
Perhaps she let go, or maybe just realized I'm not what she wanted, either way here I am.
Not dead, but not quite alive anymore either.
I've seen into her eyes and I know there's no forgetting.
She shall forever remain my dark mistress and I her forbidden love.
And together we shall be something but yet nothing at all.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Dear Friend ( March 2014 )

The cuts on my body tell me I'm not well.
And the scars under neath them tell me I haven't been for awhile.
Sometimes I wonder if it will ever get easier.
Maybe a day where I don't have to make it through, or a night where I don't force myself into a state of exhaustion because I am terrified of the overwhelming darkness that comes with a dreamless sleep.
In all honesty, I just want to feel human again, not a walking disaster, paralyzed by my minds inept ability to make every moment a battle between life and death.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Abstain From Growth ( Mar. 2, 2014)

Like a stricken match, I am enraged.

The protected seal, now the combustion that gives way to my internal flames.

For the lack of respect you behold is unfathomable,

And the arrogance in tone is staggering.

Such a wasted wisdom, lost in the years of the burnt.

Your age brings no reverence to your intelligence.

But yet a mere adolescent captured in a wilting embodiment.

Do you not see what you continue to diminish?

By omitting that of which your predominant years have obtained

You deplete any genuine understanding of sophistication.

You do not age with grace.

You do not age with propriety.

You simply age.

And that of which, my dear, is a real shame.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Desires ( Mar. 1, 2014)

He entranced me in a way I knew no other could.

For his words were spoken like daggers into my soul.

Oh how I longed for such a beauty.

A withering flower left with no substance in this world,

But yet finally a storm to feed my vitality.

He was the rain that pierced through the crackled ground.

And brought life to Willow’s grave.

A new encounter, perhaps.

But it is an eternity that our hearts have known one another.

Now here he lies, entangled in my subconscious.

A lighted incense that fills my mind with the fragrance of Dragon’s blood.

Seeping into every crevice and enthralling my spiritual sense.

He is untraveled, but not for long.

Soon I shall begin my demolition of the barriers I know he obtains.

And make way into the core essence of his being.

I yearn for all of which his, in every aspect I can reap.

For he entranced me in a way I knew no other could,

And with that, I desire.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Mine ( Feb 28, 2014) 4th Rhyming Poem

One finger.

One trigger.

The world painted dead.

One blade.

One moment.

The words left unsaid.

For there in the emptiness of which my soul dwells.

Derives the demons from the deepest of hells.

They know no better, as it’s written in design.

Yet belonging to no other, these demons are mine.

They are the sweetest of nightmares and scariest of dreams.

No longer is life all that it seems.

One last breath then these demons shall win.

One last night and my soul will give in.

For here in shadows of which my pain thrives.

Clings the last faint words of a woman who dies.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Marked ( Feb. 27, 2014)

I can never erase you,

like a pen,

you permanently etched yourself into the pages of my mind.

And although I may attempt

to blacken you in and move on from the ruined words,

the memory of what was once written,

now a dark smudge,

will forever stain the chapters of my life.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Love is Pain ( Feb. 26, 2014 )

My internal being screams for salvation

Hunger striving through my veins

I must feed

How am I to survive if I can not indulge myself with the joys of life.

Withering away to a rotted carcass

I am nothing but an empty shell of what I once was

Here I lie burdened by the overwhelming numbness that I have succumbed to

Am I to blame for my own destruction

Lost in pure agony of my own self pity

Or yet is it the demons that buried their way into my mind

For oh how I adore my demented friends

So evil , so seductive

Their fire caressing my everlasting soul

Who am I to fight such an attractive feeling

With blood running down my legs, tears down my eyes, I have never felt more alive!

Passion coursing through my veins

Hot desire filling my body as I begin to tremble

My hunger satisfied for a moments time

Contrived of the most utterly delicious temptations

Finally I am seduced into what seems to be an obscurity of nirvana

Adrift in my own subconscious

For these are my ravenous proclivities

A deranged sense of a dream but yet the most enticing sense of a nightmare.

Thus with the forbidden thirst that lingers deep within the trenches of my vitality

I find a love so raw, yet so true, that only pain itself in the most tormenting form could honestly understand.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Life and Death ( Feb. 25, 2014 )

I cant breathe…

-Slit my throat, give me air.

My head hurts…

-Stab my mind, make it stop.

I lay numb …

-Rip my flesh, make me bleed.

Yet I cry…

-Sow my eyes, make it dark.

Save me, kill me.

Love me, kill me.

My body aches…

-Break my limbs, take away the reason.

My hands shake…

-Strip me of their presence, make them still.

My veins turn cold…

Burn their being, make them warm.

And my heart shatters…

Step on the pieces, leave nothing to salvage.

Save me, kill me.

Love me, kill me.

I live, I die. The end.

Splash ( Feb. 25, 2014 )

Slowly I fall,

Loosing my grip I begin to decay.

You were my rock.

… as unstable as it was at least I stayed above.

Now I drown.

The tears that were once under me

Have now become the ocean I die in.

My rock vanishes, my heart stops, splash

I am gone.

Sweet Nightmares ( Feb. 25, 2014 ) 3rd Rhyming Poem

Do you remember those nights you made me scream

The nights you killed a child’s dream

The days you had me fake a smile so wide

Then slowly tortured the soul inside

Or how about the evenings you made me dread

Just a slit of the wrist or a bullet in the head

For that’s all it would take , just one quick sec

Then I’d be gone, along with the rest

The pain , the hurt, the scars, all of it erased

No longer the horror of what I once had to face

And now here I am in the utter darkness of death

Gasping for air, yet seizing of breath

So with one last line to wish you good bye

Sweet dreams my fair beauty, may you sleep through the night.

Strive To Find Your Own Voice ( Feb. 25, 2014 )

Since the day we were born we were told that we couldn’t.

And every day after that we were told that we wouldn’t.

And then after that we were told life was too hard.

And to top it all off “our goals were too far.”

For no matter what we did we were thought always to fail.

Their minds were the hammer, their words were the nails.

That pierced through our souls in attempt to hold us down.

Yet come to find out the strength we had found.

In fact we were stronger then most really knew.

Honestly we are probably even stronger then you.

Yes you the one who told us those horrible lies.

Who tried to keep our eyes low…away from the skies.

But the chains have been broken

our spirits are free

Our bodies unbound

You gave us the key

You pushed and you shoved

You slashed and you kicked

You took what we loved

And you tried to constrict

Yet all of those things with in us you dare try to kill

Gave us the knowledge, it gave us the will.

To grow beyond what any could see.

To strive for our goals and finally be free.

Perceptions Of The Unknown ( Feb. 25, 2014 )

Such sweet and nimble words

Yet lost to the tendencies of a questioning mind

Spoken with no satisfaction in the opposing direction

And forever to be molded into another’s conception of a thought

With no two alike we become unknown

All that we are is merely an agreement, and argument, or perhaps that that holds no indulgence what so ever

Relations failing,

the idea of being understood but yet a obscured misrepresentation of each others own perceptions.

We know nothing of one another besides the embodiments in which we are given way too.

Even then we lack in the idea of penetrating someone else’s subconscious,

Yet in complete reality, can we even take meaning of our own.

It is today that we find ourselves truly undiscovered and unexplained.

Nothing more than a mystery walking through an anomaly all in itself.

Thus here we are

So miniscule in comparison, yet so magnificent in creation.

Perhaps one day when all Is over we will finally find an answer

Perhaps we won’t and our inquisitions will be left to roam another day

Yet no matter the de nu mont, it is the will for all things … that we discover something other than what we think we know.

And in that, who it is we think we are.